As I look back on my life, one of the most constant and powerful things I have experienced within myself is the desire to be more than I am at the moment—an unwillingness to let myself remain where I am—a desire to increase the boundaries of myself—a desire to do more, learn more, express more—a desire to grow, improve, accomplish, expand. I used to interpret this inner push as meaning that there was some one thing out there I wanted to do or be or have. And I have spent too much of my life trying to find it. But now I know that this energy within me is seeking more than the mate or the profession or the religion, more even than pleasure or power or meaning. It is seeking out more of me…
—Hugh Prather
Annihilated (Ducasse)
I was young, and had deep loves, and my heart would overflow with enthusiasm!
And I mingled with the crowd, I mixed with my fellow men, speaking my thought out loud!
And they gaped back at me, without understanding.
And I withdrew from them, and they said to me: Arrogant one!
And from time to time in my solitude, my loves, my repressed enthusiasms broke out into odes, conversation; and my companions laughed and used to point me out as a madman.
So I suffered, doubted, cursed, and no one believed me sincere.
It's as if this heart, once so full of strength and love, were annihilated.
Isidore Ducasse
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